


i’m scared to fall in love (but if it’s you i’ll try)

by nctaliaromanova



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Crying, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Mission, Sleepy Cuddles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:08:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21899440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nctaliaromanova/pseuds/nctaliaromanova
Summary: “you’re safe, nat.”“i’m not. someone will tear you away and i’ll lose you, just like—”
Relationships: Maria Hill/Natasha Romanov
Comments: 4
Kudos: 147





	i’m scared to fall in love (but if it’s you i’ll try)

**Author's Note:**

> unbeta’d blackhill angst :’-)  
> based on a prompt by @BLACKHLLL on twitter!  
> 

She can feel the faint thrumming of her heart against her own skin, barely there but just enough to get her pulled up in the parking lot of the headquarters. She signs paperwork, skips the medical evaluations all together and by then she’s barely responsive, helplessly clinging onto a sliver of consciousness. Blood trickles down from a stab wound in her midsection, leaving tiny, red drops as she wanders along the hallway. Her boots are stained with mud, and her hair is tousled, smelling of exhaust fumes and burnt embers. 

As she comes to a stop outside her bedroom, she draws in a resettling breath, albeit shaky. The door swings open just as her hands rest on the doorknob, startling her slightly. 

“Nat?” Maria’s eyebrows furrow in concern, assessing her from head to toe. Her gaze trails over the multiple tears in her suit, the dirt streaked all over her cheeks and the crimson ebbing from multiple crevices. Without hesitation, she pulls Natasha in wordlessly, slamming the door shut behind her. 

Natasha collapses onto the bed, her palms digging into the sheets beneath. Her breaths are shallow, her eyes are unfocused, and she looks like she’ll pass out at any given time. “Rough mission?” Maria questions, heading into the bathroom to retrieve the first-aid kit. Natasha can only sigh in response, pain pulsating through her entire system relentlessly. 

“Mm.” Natasha hums, barely loud enough for her to hear. Maria gently runs a finger down her midsection, stopping just above the wound. She looks at Natasha, face etched with uncertainty. As much as she wants to let Natasha rest, she knows she’ll be in for a long session of patching up the spy sitting across her.

“You need stitches.” Maria presses a kiss to her temple, letting her lips ghost on her skin for a few seconds before pulling away. Natasha’s heart races, her body suddenly going rigid. She tries to focus on anything apart from Maria’s touch and the fact that her heart is racing a thousand miles per hour, but she can’t help but stare back at the woman sitting cross-legged before her. 

The first suture makes its way into her skin, needle pricking the surface. It hurts, but she’s been through worse; stitching— she can handle. However, the further Maria stitches, the more Natasha starts to flinch slightly with every movement. The pain accumulates, now clawing at her tenaciously and she can’t help but wince. 

Maria notices her contorted expression; the way she is jerking away with every stitch, the way a soft whimper escapes her lips. “I’m sorry,” Maria rubs a hand on her shoulder comfortingly, but continues to stitch. If she doesn’t close up the wound, Natasha will bleed out in an instant. “It’s okay,” Natasha exhales reluctantly, realising she’s been holding her breath. Every touch by Maria sends her system into a frenzy, her hands gentle yet electrifying on her skin. 

A few hours later, Natasha collapses onto Maria’s chest, exhaustion pulling her under. Maria can only bear a sorrowful smile as she hoists her back up, leaning her back and onto the bed. Natasha stirs slightly, but doesn’t open her eyes. She’s way too tired to move, let alone speak. 

Maria’s hands are stained red with blood, too much blood for her liking. The fact that it is Natasha’s blood makes her wince in revolt. She hastily gets up to run her hands under the tap, watching as streams of faint red flow down the sides of the sink in rivulets. Once she’s done, she grabs a towel and dries herself up, walking back to Natasha’s side.

Natasha’s mind is foggy, clouded by the aftershocks of the mission. She can hear the gunshots ricocheting around in her skull, see the glint of metal that made its way into her side, feel the force of the rivals’ blows against her skin. By now, the pain has subsided into a dull throb, faint enough to let her lie still but strong enough to twist her guts. Maria’s fingers trace over her skin lightly, sending chills up Natasha’s spine. Her touch is soft enough to comfort her but strong enough to ground her. Moving closer towards the edge of the bed, she rests her head snug against Maria’s arm; uncharacteristic of herself but it gives her a sense of reassurance, although she never lets anyone know. 

Just as Natasha is about to say something, Maria leans in to plant a gentle kiss on the crown of her head, smoothing down the unkempt strands of hair framing her face. “I love you, I’ll be back soon, alright?” She whispers, before flicking off the light switch and getting up to leave. 

The room darkens instantly, just the soft glow of the afternoon sun against the opaque blinds in her room. It’s virtually silent in the room, but Natasha can hear the deafening sound of her heart pounding against her chest. Before she has the chance to mutter a ‘what?’, the door closes. She eyes the door in shock, her mind reeling and her heart sinking to her feet. 

_ I love you, I’ll be back soon. _

| | |

There are vice-like grips around her wrists, hoisting her up a few inches above the ground. Hair falls in her face, damp and dripping. Natasha isn’t sure if it’s wet with water or blood— all she can see is the unforgiving cement floor and shadows casting down onto it. They drop her roughly to the ground, and Natasha uses all the remaining energy she has to lift herself up slightly, turning around. Two guards drag him away, his head hanging and his arms limp in their grasp.  _ Love is for children.  _ Their words repeat by her ear in a tortuous loop, and the words of her superiors drown out the image of James in her mind. Before she knows it, James is torn away from her, and the same four words are ingrained in her consciousness. 

_ Love is for children. _

| | |

Hours pass, and Maria’s words still haunt her at the back of her mind. She goes for a few rounds at the gym, makes a meal for Steve and herself, takes the elevator up to the rooftop to clear her mind, but nothing shakes away the fact that she loves her.  _ Maria loves her.  _ Love is for children, so why her? 

Stepping into the bathroom, she peels layers off her body. Her hands tremble and her lip quivers. Her heart clenches and aches painfully, but she masks it as she steps into the shower. Hot water hits her back, and it takes everything in her to stifle a scream. Natasha fixes her gaze onto the water swirling into the drain, simply standing deathly still. Her eyes water, but streams of water run down her cheeks from the shower overhead.

She deserves better, Natasha thinks to herself. Maria does. She sees the way Maria is by her side after every mission, the way she curls into Natasha in bed, the way Maria cups her face as she presses a kiss onto her lips. She sees the way Maria looks at her with so much love, with so much love and affection and adoration that Natasha knows she can never give. There is so much Natasha wants to say to her, so much that she wants to do to show Maria just how much she loves her, but she finds herself stuck every time she tries. Because  _ Love is for children _ , Natasha thinks. She doesn’t know how to say it back to her, she doesn’t know  _ how to love _ .

The water runs cold as she sits on the marble floor, arms around her knees and her gaze fixed onto the wall straight ahead.

| | |

“Have you seen Nat around?” Maria ambles into the kitchen, catching Steve with a bowl of noodles. 

“She seems out of it today,” Steve doesn’t reply to her question, instead giving Maria a questioning look. “You should check on her. She’s in her room.”

“Rough mission, nothing Romanoff can’t handle.” Maria lets out a quiet sigh, undoing her bun and giving Steve a reassuring smile.

“Been a long day for her,” Steve declares, before disappearing from the kitchen and heading into the common room.

| | |

As Maria gently nudges Natasha’s door open, she finds the bed empty, sheets strewn haphazardly and grey stains on her pillow. A sinking feeling hits Maria, and she treads carefully towards the bathroom, her eyes roaming around the room. As she pulls the bathroom door open, Maria looks down to find Natasha huddled in the corner of the shower, water pooling around her from the shower running overhead. Natasha must have been unaware of Maria’s presence, because she flinched when Maria came into view before her. The water stops all of a sudden, Maria’s hand on the handle. 

Before she can dip her head between her knees, there’s a warm towel draped around her shoulders, and Natasha sighs in relief at the respite from the cold. She only realises that she’s shaking when Maria holds onto both of her wrists, watching with a pained expression.

“I should—” Natasha starts, but finds her voice coming out in something barely louder than a hoarse whisper. Maria shakes her head slowly, hands running up and down her back against the towel. “We can stay here for as long as you need, alright?” She resolves, pulling Natasha close. Not long after, Natasha drifts off against Maria’s chest, her hand still intertwined tightly in hers.

Maria waits for an hour and a half to pass, before she gently picks Natasha up bridal-style, setting her onto the bed. She can tell that Natasha is starting to stir, but she doesn’t press Natasha for answers, just caressing her temple and holding her close. 

“What’s on your mind?” Maria hums softly, looking to Natasha. Her eyes are still shut, but once she hears Maria’s voice, they flutter open slowly. 

“Mia—”

“Take your time.”

Natasha clutches the sheets even tighter, and Maria notices. She traces slow circles on Natasha’s arm, and she seems to melt into Maria’s touch. 

“I’m scared.” Natasha admits, slightly horrified that the words have left her mouth. She looks up at Maria with watery eyes, and Natasha wishes that she would not have to catch her in this state. Maria’s face is etched with nothing but pure worry, her eyes searching for an answer.

“Of?” 

“Of love.”

The moment the two words leave Natasha’s mouth, Maria does nothing but pull Natasha even closer to her chest, resting her head in the crook of her neck. She thinks back to her words earlier in the day, and suddenly realises she was the one who said those three words out loud to Natasha. 

“You’re safe, Nat.”

“I’m not. Someone will tear you away and I’ll lose you, just like—”

Natasha starts to sob, words catching in her throat and her chest aching like there’s a heavy load on it. 

“I don’t deserve to love, Mia.”

“You do. You deserve me.” 

By now, Natasha was faintly shaking under her grasp, but Maria kept a firm hold on her. She whispers words of reassurance into her ear, carding her fingers through Natasha’s hair. Maria knows of Natasha’s past, but not well enough to know what has instilled the fear of love so deeply in her. Her heart aches, too, because she knows that Natasha is so full of love. It hurts her to know that Natasha thinks that she’s undeserving of love, that she can’t love anyone. 

“They’re not here anymore, Nat. They won’t ever tear me away from you.”

“We don’t kn—” Natasha retorts hastily, but is cut off by Maria. She cups Natasha’s cheeks in both hands, their faces barely inches away from each other’s. 

“I know. We’re safe here.” 

Maria lies down next to Natasha, one arm around her back. As she rests her other hand onto Natasha’s chest gently, she can feel the way her heart is racing. She rubs her back comfortingly, holding her until she calms down. 

“ _ I love you, and that’s all you need to know.” _

A long beat stretches between them, before Natasha slowly leans forward and kisses her ever so softly. Maria is slightly surprised, but keeps a calm demeanour above her racing heart. 

_ “I love you too, Maria.” _


End file.
